| Charles Baudelaire - Reversibility |
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| 08:07pm 12/03/2005 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: marilyn manson - golden age of grotesque
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Angel of gaiety, have you tasted grief ?
Shame and remorse and sobs and weary spite,
And the vague terrors of the fearful night
That crush the heart up like a crumpled leaf ?
Angel of gaiety, have you tasted grief ?
Angel of kindness, have you tasted hate ?
With hands clenched in the dark, and tears of gall,
When Vengeance beats her hellish battle-call,
And makes herself the captain of our fate,
Angel of kindness, have you tasted hate ?
Angel of health, did ever you know pain,
Which like an exile trails his tired footfalls
The cold length of the white infirmary walls,
With lips compressed, seeking the sun in vain ?
Angel of health, did ever you know pain ?
Angel of happiness, and joy, and light,
Old David would have asked for youth afresh
From the pure touch of your enchanted flesh;
I but implore your prayers to aid my plight,
Angel of happiness, and joy, and light. |
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| you are the perfect drug |
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| 08:15pm 16/02/2005 |
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mood:  discontent music: nine inch nails - with teeth
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i feel hollow, the night is getting to me. nine inch nails album coming out may 5, and i'll be darned if i dont get one the same day...and no one dare keep me from the tour. my mother is threatening to give the Broken video away, but i hope she doesnt. it's too good and disturbing.
i havent written onine in forever. i dont really find the time to anymore.
forgive me.
I grew up distant
and always afraid. |
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| franz ferdinand - michael |
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| 10:18pm 29/12/2004 |
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mood:  content
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this is where i'll be, so heavenly,
so come and dance with me, michael
so sexy, so sexy,
so come and dance with me, michael
you're all that i see, all i wanna see,
so come and dance with me, michael
so close now, so close now,
so come and dance with me, so come and dance with me...
michael,
you're the boy with all the better tips,
sticky hair, sticky hips, trouble on my sticky lips
michael,
you're the only one i'd ever want
only one i'd ever want
beautiful boy, i'll love you some more
this is what i am,
so come and dance with me, michael
so strong now, its strong now
so come and dance with me, michael
i'm all that you see, you wanna see
so close now, its close now,
so come and dance with me, so come all over me :P
michael,
you're the only one i'd ever want
only one i'd ever want |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| what if i found a way to wash it all aside |
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| 05:04pm 21/10/2004 |
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mood: content music: pretty hate machine..hasnt left my cd player in a week
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*this post dedicated to shaggy, because he's persuaded me to start updating again*
alright, well it's been quite awhile since i last updated and everything so i'm trying to make a comeback. lots of stuff has happened but i dont have time to write about it all. things are going surprisingly good but i dont know for how much longer.
i found a poem i wrote SUCH a long time ago, it was weird. i had totally forgotten about it, but i'm gonna post it in case i lose it again. it's not very good and not NEARLY finished so bear with me.
i woke up hearing nothing
on a black and cloudy night
and the room was dimly lit
with a soft and crimson light
turning in my fear, i saw it
cross the room again
standing, staring, watching, but
without malicious grin
instead was disappointment
in its wide and gleaming eyes
but fear took hold of me once more:
tonight i had to die
shrinking back in terror
from this faceless, floating thing
i thought of every wy to hide
but knew there was no time
and still there it was standing
intently 'cross the floor
murder crossed its face-
it wasnt sorry anymore
desperation took its place
in my ever-changing heart
i thought of ways to compromise
its sickly common art
k thats it. it ends suddenly cause i thought of it while half way asleep and jotted down as much as i could remember. it's good to be back, but just a bit depressing. i hope i dont see a cycle starting here.
i have to remember to burn pretty hate machine, portrait of an american family, and that mix. cant forget! |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| the water is warm before you discover how deep |
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| 02:54pm 12/09/2004 |
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mood:  sick, hopefully not for long music: u2
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*sigh* havent written in SUCH a long time. on livejournal anyway. friday and yesterday were like, the best days...ever. spent so much good quality time with michael..and just wow. last night wasnt so great though, and today is just kinda so-so. i think i caught a virus or something so i dont feel very good. i hope its gone by tomorrow and that i didnt give it to michael.
justina got the new modest mouse cd a while back and it's really quite good. i think in the past two days i've listened to the whole thing like, 15 times. it's really really good, i like it. but i'm gonna go do some homework now, just had to let people know i'm still alive. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| korn - here to stay |
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| 07:23pm 29/08/2004 |
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mood:  crazy
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this state is elevating,
as the hurt turns into hating
anticipating all the fucked up feelings again.
the hurt inside is fading
this shit's gone way too far
all this time that i've been waiting
no i cannot grieve anymore
for what's inside awaking
i'm not
i'm not a whore
my mind is done with this
so i take my time
guiding the blade down the line
each cut closer to the vein
i'm here to stay
bring it down
gonna break it down |
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| ground control to major tom... |
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| 05:21pm 25/08/2004 |
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music: i have david bowie stuck in my head
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i'm kinda bored right now, so i decided to post for the first time in ages. everyone is pretty much gone somewhere but i hope they get back soon..i'm gettin hungry.
it was our grandma's birthday yesterday, that was pretty cool. we had cake and went out to dinner and stuff. tomorrow we're going to go float the river, that should be soo fun. right now, i beleive justina and i are going over to the school to do cartwheels and such, she needs to run and i just need to be active. cant wait to get back on friday, though! |
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| the way out is through |
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| 09:10pm 22/08/2004 |
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"You cannot love everyone; it is ridiculous to think you can. If you love everyone and everything you lose your natural powers of selection and wind up being a pretty poor judge of character and quality. If anything is used too freely it loses its true meaning. Therefore, the Satanist believes you should love strongly and completely those who deserve your love, but never turn the other cheek to your enemy!"
Anton LaVey |
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| helter skelter in a summer swelter |
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| 06:58pm 02/08/2004 |
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mood: bored music: vast - last one alive
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yesterday was pretty fun, we hung out with shane and brandon at the mall and borders. we saw jenni there, we got to chat for a bit. but it was kind of depressing. other than that, we took lots of pictures. and met his kittens! tomorrow i think pia and joe are coming over..that should be nice..
today was extremely boring, nothing productive went on at all. i'm starting to look forward to going back to school, and i hope we can get a class with michael or something..that would be super. i wish we could have another class with brandon as well..guitar class wasnt so bad. or at least lunch or something.
we got an annie wright newsletter in the mail today, they keep sending us stuff still. it was really sad. i hate to think about that school and all the memories. i sorta wish we were going there still. although it'd be much too depressing. but it's terrible either way. i have to stop thinking about it. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| just love me love me love me |
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| 10:49pm 30/07/2004 |
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mood:  tired music: the cure - fight
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the past few days werent all that great, but yesterday was super fun. we went to seattle with shane for the day..mostly at emp and the new sci-fi museum. we wandered about for a few hours..pretty good. after a while we walked to the waterfront and got picked up by our parents, they dropped us of at the university district and we walked up the ave for a while. shane found the coolest boots at the buffalo exchane..not fair. but i'll earn some money and hopefully get a new pair as well. there was also this one really creepy guy who talked to shane, but it was so funny. it was the weirdest thing, and the entire 'conversation' went on as we passed on the sidewalk..it was like this:
creepy guy: excuse me, miss, are you're eyes green?
shane: um..yeah
creepy guy: they're very pretty
shane: oh. heh.
it's really not that interesting but i just remembered it and it made me laugh. anyway, that was basically the most interesting thing this week, going to seattle, and we should do it again cause i miss it.
today joe came over..but when we went to pick him up we ran into our pastor who was moving into a house nearby. it was kinda weird but we stayed a while to help them move some stuff..
michael left for new mexico yesterday, but he can still call and has internet, which is really really good. i'm very glad, it'd be way too hard not to talk to him at all for 2 weeks. but i still cant wait till he comes back.
oh and it was mom's birthday on the 28th, went to some fondue place for dinner. it was okay, but the desert was amazing. i've discovered a love for things dipped in chocolate. |
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| i am the face of piss and shit and sugar |
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| 10:27pm 28/07/2004 |
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mood:  listless music: nine inch nails - somewhat damaged
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i feel like fucking shit right now and i dont know why i always have to bring someone down with me. i'm waiting for everyone to finally snap out of it and realize they neither need me nor want me. i wouldnt like me either if i were one of them. it's just not worth it.
it runs even deeper. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| psalm 88 |
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| 07:07pm 25/07/2004 |
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mood: apathetic
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why have you rejected me?
why have you hidden your face from me?
your blazing anger has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me;
they surround me all day long like a flood;
they encompass me on every side. |
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| you gave me life now show me how to live |
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| 10:29am 25/07/2004 |
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mood:  awake music: the cure - trap
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i woke up at 9:00 today and it really wasnt all that pleasant, i wish i could've slept longer. for some reason i could not sleep at all last night, and i felt sick. maybe brandon gave it to me. there were three songs that kept playing through my head every time i woke up..i dont even know why because i havent listened to them in forever. i also had the weirdest dreams, which i suppose isnt so weird anymore, but i was kind of half awake when i had them. and i kept thinking i'd fucked something up really bad this time, it felt like white hot fire, it hurt so bad. but all is okay now, except i'm very sore for some reason. everything hurts, i feel like a cripple. argh! but, today should be good anyway, i'm looking forward to meeting michaels family! it should be fun because they're all so funny. i think i'm going to go have myself some honey bunches of oats..yummy.. |
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| i am the voice inside your head |
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| 10:14pm 23/07/2004 |
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mood:  cynical music: nine inch nails - big man with a gun
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[and i control you]
i do not know why this always keeps happening. i wish it would end. it's all back and it's so frustrating. i have no control over myself, which is ridiculous because if i dont even have control over myself, what can i do? it's back to nine inch nails and mr self destruct. but as much as i dislike it, as much as i loathe depravity, it's too comfortable to get rid of. i will never get out of this because i dont like it any other way. i cannot do without it, even after knowing the other side. without the discontent, the hatred, the fear, and cutting, things just wouldnt be the same. i wouldnt be same. maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder. because the longer i'm without those things, the more i wish i had them all when it starts coming back. maybe it's also because of my constant wanting to be part of the past again. the present and the future aren't good enough, they're too unstable. i want to stay trapped in that year, that day, that feeling, with that song forever. but i know that when i experienced it, i was just as irritated at the moment as i am with this one. nothing is ever going to change it, because it's somehow become a part of my mindset and my character. it cannot be fixed or taken away because somewhere along the line, all of it became a part of who i am. nostalgia, antipathy, and dread have become so concrete that life without it disgusts me, but living with is worse. but through so much feeling, everything seems to have become dehumanized. it doesnt make sense, but nothing ever really does.
there is no way to get away from yourself without sacrificing someone else. and there's almost nothing more repulsive than egotism. there's so many people to love, and so many people who really care. i know it because they say so. but it makes everything so much more complicated. i'm a waste of others' energy and time. it's just not worth the effort.
i wish i were back on the other sleeping pills, they made everything way easier. i could take them and disappear.
i want to break it up
i want to smash it up
i want to fuck it up
i want to watch it come down
maybe afraid of it
let's discredit it
i want to watch it come down
now doesn't that make you feel better? |
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| i want you more when you're afraid of me |
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| 09:02pm 22/07/2004 |
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mood: complacent music: the faint - glass danse
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today was pretty cool, went to jefferson park again with michael. we visited brandon for a bit, which was pretty cool but we shoulda hung out some more. and we need to partay at shanays! we went to his house for a bit and watched saturday night live, it was funny. then we walked back to the park and layed in the shade for another hour or so, that was nice. but michael isnt very good at hang man:)
we need to practice more. after i ask justina. haha
had our last drivers ed class today! i'm so glad its finally over but we still need to go on some drives and take a test. but we're almost done!
HAVE YOU EVER??
1. Kissed your cousin: no, thank god
2. Ran away: no
3. Pictured your crush naked: always.
4. Actually seen your crush naked: nope..haha not yet..when we're married, maybe
5. Broken someone's heart: i guess so but i wish i hadnt
6. Been in love: think so..
7. Cried when someone died: my cat, when i was 6
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: way too often
9. Broken a bone: no, but i've had soo many stitches
10. Drank alcohol: some, more this summer though!
11. Lied: often
12. Cried in school: unfortunately yes. one of my most embarrassing moments.
WHICH IS BETTER??
13. COKE OR PEPSI: pepsi
14. SPRITE OR 7UP: 7up
15. GIRLS OR GUYS: boys!
16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: candy (hershies kisses)
17. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: clean shaven
18. QUIET OR LOUD: both
19. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: brunettes
20. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: slutty
21. TALL OR SHORT: tall(er)
22. PANTS OR SHORTS: pants
WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX??
23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: looks mostly, cause i usually SEE people first
24. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: kinda with michael, but officially...matt? micah? dunno.
25. WORST QUESTION TO ASK: haha, bunch or fold?
THE LAST TIME??
26. SHOWERED: last night, gonna go again in a few minutes..
27. MASTURBATED: wouldnt you like to know
28. HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: today! michael and shaggy
WHAT IS??
29. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM: michaels bracelet
30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: i dont have just one
31. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: going to the park
FAVORITES??
32. COLOR: red
33. MOVIE: a lot
34. BOOK: dunno, there's many
35. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: english, psychology next year
36. JUICE: apple or cranberry
37. CARS: hearses...theres another car but i forgot what it was...
38. ICE CREAM: chocolate chip mint
39. HOLIDAY: halloween
40. SEASON: fall/winter
41. BREAKFAST FOOD: cereal
42. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HUNNY: anywhere
WHO??
43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: shane, michael
44. MAKES YOU SMILE: michael, shaggy, joe, shane, steena
45. GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: what kind of funny feeling?
46. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: no one
47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: no one, really
48. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: unfortunately no one
49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: i would say guys but i wouldnt know, so...
DO YOU EVER??
50. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT? hah, no
51. SAVE MSN CONVERSATIONS: sometimes
52. SAVE E-MAILS: sometimes
53. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: used to
54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: for a day, that would be so cool
55. CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: many times
BEST??
57. PERFUME: dunno
58. KISS: i don't know
59. ROMANTIC MEMORY: dont know
60. MOST RECENT ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU: probably something from justina
HAVE YOU:
61. Fallen for your best friend?: kinda..
62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: no
63. Been rejected?: yeah
64. Been in love?: yea
65. Been in lust?: haha yes
66. Used someone?: no
67. Been used?: dont think so..
68. Cheated on someone?: no
69. Been cheated on?: i hope not
70. Been kissed?: yeah
71. Done something you regret?: almost every day
Who was the last person..
72. You touched?: michael
73. You talked to?: michael
74. You hugged?: michael (i sense a pattern here)
75. You instant messaged?: shaggy and justina
76. You kissed?: michael
78. You yelled at?: most likely justina, but i dont really yell
79. You laughed with?: justina and michael
80. Who broke your heart?: um..
81. Who told you they loved you?: michael
---Body---
1: What do you most like about your body?: nothing
2: And least?: too many things
3: How many fillings do you have?: none
4: Do you think you're good looking?: eh, decent.
5: Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: sometimes
6: Do you look like any celebrities?: no
Fashion ---
1: Do you wear a watch?: no
2: How many coats and jackets do you own?: a lot
3: Favorite pants/skirt color?: black
4: Most expensive item of clothing?: dunno
5: What kind of shoes do you wear?: converse
Your Friends ---
1: Do your friends 'know' you?: some of them i guess
2: What do they tend to be like?: everything a friend should be
--- Love ---
1: Are you in a relationship right now?: yep
2: Have you ever loved a person so much that it hurt?: yeah
3: How many people do you say 'I love you' to on a daily basis?: one
4: Have you ever cheated on your significant other?: no, never will
--- Music/TV/Film/Books ---
1: Favorite band ever?: dunno..a toss up between marilyn manson, nine inch nails, vast, u2, ours, the faint....
2: Most listened to bands: it's been marilyn manson for a while
3: Do you find any musicians good-looking?: most definately!
4: Can you play an instrument?: sorta
5: Type of music most listened to?: gothic i suppose
6. Type never listened to?: i think i've heard most...
7. Favorite book?: the heart is deceitful above all things
--- Religion ---
1: Do you detest religion?: no..just some of the religious people
2: How do you think this universe was formed?: who cares
3: If you were in a hostage situation, and you were given a choice, to either praise the demon they follow or die, what would you choose?: praise the demon
--- Homosexuality ---
1: What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands?: gay guys - cute, lesbians - interesting...but i don't have anything against it
2: Do you detest homosexuality?: not at all
3: Do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children? whatever they want
--- General Questions ---
1: Whom do you believe is the smartest man/woman alive at the moment?: no idea
2: What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day?: rainy (and warm)
3: Do you consider yourself lucky?: somewhat i guess
4: Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide?: no, but every once in a while
5: Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: dont know anymore |
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| getting high on violence, baby |
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| 07:31pm 21/07/2004 |
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mood:  hungry music: u2 - walk on
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yesterday was pretty fun, i met michael at the park. it was cool at first just hanging out with his little brother and dog but it was kind of annoying that we didnt have any alone time. it was still good though. i like his house, it's so homey and stuff. and his bed is pretty comfortable too but really small. we made a little pile of pillows and stuff on the floor and we were just kinda chillin in there with the dog...it was some good old fashioned fun. we were gonna stop at brandon's house for a bit but decided against it cause he might've been angry, but i think we'll visit tomorrow. just to say hi and whatnot (now you got me saying that too, michael). after hanging around the house for a while we went back to the park and then walked to walgreens.
had a counselor's appointment after seeing michael, but it wasnt all that great. mom and dad were in there for half of the time and i dont like it when they're there, i can never say anything i want to. but it was okay, not bad.
i still want to get together with everyone (shane, michael, joe, brandon, pia) so we can all hang out together. it'd be super fun. and i want my boot back from shane, argh!
this song i'm listening to right now (walk on by u2) brings back soo many memories. it's kinda depressing, how something that used to make me sooo happy could make me so sad now. it sucks.
think i'll go eat now... |
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| never finding ways to stay or ever feel enough |
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| 08:20pm 19/07/2004 |
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mood:  cold music: the cure - want
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the more i think about it, the more i beleive that some things just arent going to change. i've sort of let it go for the past few weeks cause i thought everything was maybe getting better, and maybe i just need to give things time. but it's not like that, it never has been and i doubt it ever will be. happiness is something you're prepared for or not, and it's up to the individual to decide how to handle things. what to beleive and how to be. and if you cant accept things the way they are, then too bad cause you're just fucked.
i keep thinking of how things would be different if i were religious, because from my experience, it seems like the majority of people who beleive in god are happier compared to athiests. i suppose ignorance really is bliss, but i'd hate to be ignorant, and i cant stand people who are. they're the ones who are happy with who they are regardless of other people. it's disgusting.
i hate that there is no real way to change morals or beleifs or other people. you cant change the past and not much can be done about the future cause it's so heavily related to it. and nostalgia sucks like no other, cause there's no way to get rid of it. it it's not one thing, it's another...either you or the world. and most of the time, it's gonna end up being the world.
i want the sky to fall in
i want lightning and thunder
i want blood instead of rain
i want the world to make me wonder
i want to walk on water
but however hard i want
i know down deep inside
i'll never really get more hope
or any more time |
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